Acceptance of self, refusal of self
Give me stream-of-consciousness work than trying to be everything to everyone. Give me humanity and personality.
I think that when we’re popped out into the world, we start out with a set of talents and our quest is to align with these talents and passions as much as possible in this game of a lifetime (see what I did there, quest, game, man I’m good).
It’s not like all of us have an easy to define talent, it’s probably more nuanced, like a passion for defending another’s point or view or deconstructing things to put it back together.
We spend the rest of our lives either creating tension by pulling away from what we’re good at or generating energy by pulling towards it.
Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.
- Attribution unknown, often quoted by tech dudes on Twitter saying it’s a Chinese proverb but with no clear attribution. It’s still nevertheless beautiful
I don’t really believe in a benevolent universe that bends over backwards for each human (what a logistical and ethical nightmare), but I believe that our life is more joyful when we follow our elusive natural traits that first surfaced when we were young.
I’ve been listening to a lot of Gang of Youths’ work. We got to see them play twice in a fortnight, in the best of live settings; once in an arena, another as an acoustic gig in the quintessential Sydney venue, the Enmore theatre (Oh, Enmore, your grimy carpets and hollowed out Art Deco halls, how I love you).
Gang of Youths is an indie rock band that creates albums based loosely around the life events of lead singer, David Le’aupepe. Dave is also the main talker. When on stage, he mixes humour, hubris and melancholy into a big cauldron then pours it into spiels to fill the gaps between songs. There’s alot of sport references from the 90’s that I just don’t get, and a lot of talk about body aches due to gyrations, that I do relate to. But what’s delightful is the complete range of topics, and the assumption that everyone knows all of them.
I would rather someone assumes that there’s a global Star Trek mind meld happening than not share anything specific about one’s self.
Give me stream-of-consciousness work than trying to be everything to everyone.
Give me humanity and personality.
I’ve been doing some work on this on myself. I just have to accept that despite my calm exterior, I tend to sway on the topics that sit in the shadows of macabre, melancholia and fighting the patriarchy. I also get sad at times and have breakdowns that blossom like volcanoes with the season changes. As a result, I’m drawn to sad things as a way to process myself, it’s my comfortable spot on the sofa of culture.
I used to stress about the hard edges of my personality. I don’t do that anymore. Whatever. Life’s too short. For my 18th birthday party, I gave this big speech about how I’m worthless and thanks for sticking around and putting up with me (it’s all good, I’m fine now, no reason to panic). There’s something welcoming in Gang of Youth’s lyrics that relate to that small sliver of personality:
And I feel the worse for the ones who love
The ungrateful bastard I've become
They shouldn't have to love me if they don't want
I been working hard and saving face
But I've not been in the greatest place
Think I will get better, I dunno- returner, angel in realtime, Gang of Youths
Ah! Art!
It’s a wonderful thing when you start to express who you are. I know we’re in a highly sensitive, censored time. Part of being inclusive means sharing your story, while accepting others having completely different stories of travelling through this world in their skin.
After all, without our quirks, we’ll be non-offensive, non-personalities blobs of goo. We can’t wipe ourselves completely clean of ourselves.
Be the self that presented itself when you were young and before this current version of society started applying its invisible rules.
Rage against the machine, my friends.
I’ve been going through my archives and reworking and printing the zines that I’ve made in 2016. Dude, reviewing your own art from a while back is crazy! I can see where I kept it safe and where I went bat shit crazy and what worked best (often, it was the bat shit crazy stuff).
Over the next month or so, I’ll be putting some of my zines online, but in the interim, if you’re up in the blue mountains, they’re available at Good Earth bookshop. Good Earth is a charming pocket of warmth and wonder in Wenthworth Falls, pop in if you’re ever up this way, or better yet, time it well and come for the monthly zine club.
Here’s a wonderful poem I wanted to share
from Tombstone as a Lonely Charm (Part 3)
By d. a. levy
if you want a revolution
return to your childhood
and kick out the bottom
dont mistake changing
headlines for changes
if you want freedom
dont mistake circles
for revolutions
think in terms of living
and know
you are dying
& wonder why
if you want a revolution
learn to grow in spirals
always being able to return
to your childhood
and kick out the bottom
This is what ive been
trying to say—if you
attack the structure—
the system—the establishment
you attack yourself
KNOW THIS!
& attack if you must
challenge yourself externally
but if you want a revolution
return to your childhood
& kick out the bottom
be able to change
yr own internal chemistry
walk down the street
& flash lights in yr head
at children
this is not a game
your childhood
is the foundation
of the system
walk down the street
flash lights in yr head
at children but be wary
of anyone old enough to kill
learn how to disappear
before they can find you
(that is, if you want to
stay alive)
if you want a revolution
do it "together"
but dont get trapped in
words or systems
people are people
no matter what politics
color or words they use
& they all have children
buried in their head
if you want a revolution
grow a new mind
& do it quietly
if you can
return to your childhood
and kick out the bottom
then become a being
not dependent on words
for seeing
whenever you get bored
change headlines
colors politics words
change women
but if you really want
a revolution
learn how to change
your internal chemistry
then go beyond that
walk down the streets
& flash light at
yourself